Day 10

Yesterday I was going through a withdrawal from the Monday relapse into binging on food. Not sure what came over me but I just ate everything in my fridge even before the we went to the Rosh Hashana dinner at my Mom’s place.

So yesterday I held myself back but I’m afraid I still overate just  a little bit. Not much. It was hard to switch back to being conrolled. I then went to the gym in the evening and I did two days worth of five factor fitness and 35 minutes of cardio. So I’m back on track to day.

Whenever I relapse and have a binge day, I forget how terrible it makes me feel. I’m stuffed. I cannot sleep. At night I feel terribly dehydrated. And in the morning I almost felt nauseated and had a headache.  Not sure if the headache is related, but the overall feeling was just very lousy.

After work yesterday I came home and watched tv for a bit. I was tempted not to go to the gym since I had blown my food routine. But I knew that it was an important step in getting back on track. And it was. It really gave a boost to my morale and I felt really happy and proud of myself coming out of the gym.

So today, I need to stay on track.

I am eating small meals throughout the day with a 3 hour break in between meals. But in the evening, I am going to let myself have a nice dinner with my sister. My goal this evening is not to take food from my sister. Not to finish her food and not to take it from her plate. (Unless we share a desert).

Gym today

It felt really great at the gym today. I did 2 days of 5 factor fitness and 45 min of cardio. My feet started feeling too tingly at the end of the elypsys so I knew I had enough.

I’m still feeling like I’m addicted to food. Evidence of it is what happened at work today. Often when there’s food served at a meeting or a party, the leftovers are left at a desk in our office for everyone to take. It sits next to the printer. And I cannot pass that table without taking something again and again and again. Then I just had to get up and get some more and kept coming back till it was all gone. It was only fruit, but still. Its the fact that I wanted to keep eating it. Even if I could have stopped, I still had that compulsion to keep eating it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Its the same when I went out with my sister. She had no appetite. Well, she has reasons for no appetite. But I always want more. If she has stuff left over in her bowl, then I want it. She will keep talking but all I am thinking about is how gracefully and subtly can I lick off all the rest of the food off the plates.

Ok that was my small segue into the state of my mind about food. I don’t know why that is and I don’t know if I will ever feel differently about it. I was hoping that I would with hypnosis. But I have hope that I can control my urges with practice. Every day, I’m trying to recognize the behaviours around food that simply don’t serve me and that perhaps are not very healthy.

I had a taco bell wrap today. I could have eaten something smaller. But I am still on track. I went to the gym. I had the food that I had, and then I stopped.

The non-loser

My sister yesterday went on and on about how much she was motivated by the biggest loser. Every Wednesday we go out in the evening away from the kids. We walk around the mall. Buy make up, eat something bad for us and top the night off with Indigo and a cappuccino.

So she went on and on about how she was motivated. I felt like a bit of a non-person listening to all of that. Since seems like I’m the only one who has stayed at the same weight for 5 years now. I got more and more down as I sat in the mall waiting for her to look through clothes that i can’t fit into.

As I walked through the mall with her then, I said: I will lose the weight and then I will teach others how to  do it. I hoped that saying outloud would make it true. Of course I have a lot of work ahead of me.  Here are my new goals for the next week.

1. Eat 5 meals a day.

2. Drink green tea.

3. Stick to weight watchers points.

4. Listen to the motivational cd’s once a day.

5. Stick to an exercise program.

These are not refined goals but I will work on them.