It’s been a while….

Weight 198.2

Well its been a while since I wrote my blog. Seems sometimes like its a waste since I don’t have any readers besides my sister. And to be honest, I don’t have time to go out and find them.

Then I remembered what I started the blog for. To track my weight journey. And so I’m back here. Becuase for that reason its worth it.

Yesterday was a tired day for me. Because my daughter will not sleep in her bed unless someone sits with her until she falls asleep. In the evening, that’s not so bad, but then she wakes up in the middle of the night. So yesterday, she woke at 4:30 up and then she didn’t go back to bed till about six am. And I didn’t go back to bed at all. She woke up again today and today, I just had to let her sleep in my bed, because I’m just exhausted. Still exhausted as Nathan woke me up early in the morning.

But as far as food went, I tried to remember that food is not a substitute for sleep and tried to stick to my eating regime. I didn’t really succeed. I went to the vending machine at work at around  4pm and got a Jamaican Patty and chocolate bar. I had the chocolate with tea. I do love chocolate with tea. Something about it sweet and tea go so well together.

But i didn’t come home and pig out on carbs and all sorts of bad stuff. I had a couple of cheese strings, an egg and a couple of nectarines. That’s it. So I didn’t do so badly.

I don’t want to be presumptious here, I may have had a bit of a breakthrough in Vegas. First, I saw myself in their wide huge mirror as I was coming out of the shower. Boy what a shocker. And I thought about being single again and how if I wish to meet myself, I don’t think I can feel confident enough going out on dates feeling like this about my body. In Vegas for some reason I started thinking about what it will be like to be single again.

The second breakthrough was when my sister told me I should be having a much bigger breakfast. I can have 500 calories? Wow. I can really eat and enjoy myself for breakfast! She said that I can eat up to 1800 calories a day. That’s really more than I ever thought I could.

Since I came back, I’ve been having a bigger breakfast. I usually have a protein shake as big as i want. A cheese string or Ricotta cheese and a fruit. I mostly have protein since I know it will keep me more fuller during the day.

During the day, I dont’ count calories. I’ve been eating packaged soups from nutrisystem for lunch or similar soups from the superstore. For dinner I eat some protein or nutrisystem meal. And then a nutrisystem snack for snack. I don’t stick to that religiously, sometimes I eat whatever I find like a cheesie or a piece of chicken. But I try not to pig out at night uncontrollably. For the most part, I’ve been trying to cut out carbs and the white stuff. But occasionally, I’ll have a bite of my kid’s noodles or something else.

The important thing is not to get cocky and not lose my motivation. Every time, that I have thought oh I had had breakthrough, it lasted for no more than a week. So I have to stick with it. I have to remember that if I have that cream puff that I don’t need, I might not be able to get back on track right away. It really might take me down the wrong path again.

My sister and I have also been talking about Posh Spice who doesnt’ even occasionally indulge in a cookie? That’s just unreal. But why can she stay in such a great control and me barely have any control? Sure I don’t have my own jeans line, but my reason to lose weight I am sure are just as important to me as hers are to her. And if they are not, then they should be! Because my own health and feeling good about myself, should be more important to me than being a size zero to her.

The apartment.

For the past 4 days, I’ve been terribly busy moving, unpacking, clearing our stuff out of the old house. I have to say that I don’t miss it so far.

Now that i’ve sold the house, I’m renting a two bedroom apartment around Bathurst and Finch. I sometimes wonder if there’s anyone I went to high school with renting an apartment. Probably not. I’m sure that they all have condos at houses at Thornhill Woods.

But really there are many reasons for me to enjoy this apartment. Its huge. In fact, a condo in a half decent neighbourhood with rooms this large would be well over 300,000. There’s a parquet floor. I don’t have to run up and down the stairs any more 50 times a day and be worried about the kids playing on a different floor than me. I like that the kids are sharing their bedroom. Before they both had fairly large rooms, but didn’t really use either. They always hung out in my bedroom. I found that a huge waste of space and also like I didn’t have a space of my own. Now, they use their common room as their playroom too.

I love going out every morning and dropping the garbage in the shute. So easy.

I’m feeling better now about a lot of things. My back has now rested and is feeling better.

Although I don’t like the idea, for the time being, I put a little tv into my kids’ room so that I can enjoy a quiet break in the evenings while they fall asleep watching tv. Otherwise, its sitting and singing with them for hours. Yes, I’ve tried and tried training them and it never worked.

I’ve decided that I simply won’t apologize for not working like a dog at work. I’m going to come it at 9 and leave at 5 and that way I won’t feel obligated to work after hours. It used to be that I felt bad handing off work to someone else. But now I feel that I have to. In the past no matter where i work, any sacrifices I made for work always went completely unappreciated and unnoticed. Its important to find a balance. Work well, but not overwork.

Can’t wait till Vegas. I think things will get easier soon. Financially and otherwise.

Cheap Parents

I’ve come to a conclusion that if I sleep anywhere at my parent’s again I’ll probably become a cripple. I can see now how my parents have managed to save money. They don’t spend it on anything. ANYTHING that normal people might find as necessities. I slept in my Dad’s bed the other day while my apartment was too smelly. The bed was just slanted to one side. I was so uncomfortable. I woke up extremely sore. That’s been happening with all the couches I’ve slept on at their cottage. Gosh, I used to be able to sleep on just about anything.

A Good Day

Well, the day started out with me getting on the computer first thing in the morning. Then drove my kids to daycare. I stopped at my parents’ and had some coffee and got to work around 11. My parents were coming over to pack my stuff for me as the movers are coming today. Yes, I should have done it myself but with crazy work, crazy me and my crazy husband, I just… well …didn’t do it.

Work was crazy as usual where I was pounded with requests up until 5:30 at which time my Mom called and yelled at me for not packing myself.

Lately everything is just kind of overwhelming me. My husband and I are separating. He hasn’t found a place to live yet so he has been looking and hasn’t been home at all to help out with the kids. On top of it all, I hurt my back by sleeping on the couch at Sauble Beach and then dragging the kids in a wagon from the beach. I can’t even mention it to my parents because of course it is invariably my fault as I’ve gotten so out of shape. I wonder if it was an accident I had a little over a year ago that injured my back in a way that sleeping on the wrong mattress or pulling my kids in a wagon makes it painful for a week. Right now its been hurting every day since that day. And then last night made it even worse.

I was already getting to Lana’s late.  I was sitting at a light at Finch and Tollerton and was on the phone with my siter. (on my bluetooth).  As the light turned green and I started to move, I felt a strong hit.  I walked out. It was a Mazda with three black girls in the very back, a honda with 2 asian men, and me in the front. I was actually a couple of meteres ahead of the Honda, but the Honda was right in front of the mazda.

I saw them exchange information. For a second I considered that maybe I should just go but sincethe other cars were exchanging information, I felt that I couldn’t. Besides I thought it was a pretty hard hit. My back was now more sore and its always a good idea to get the information from the other drivers.

The mazda and the honda were discussing the damage. The driver of the mazda was yelling that she will never rush again and that she was rushing to the airport. Then they saw me and asked what I was doing there. Why don’t I just go away. I told them that I was hit as well. The mazda girls denied it. I said that when you hit the honda, the Honda hit me. The Honda denied hitting me too. I told them that I know what I felt.

The mazda girls began yelling at me with expletives that I just wanted to get my car fixed for free. I yelled back that I know I felt a hit and that my back was more sore. Funny, I think I kept right with her with the yelling. I’ve really learned to yell well lately. I don’t like to do it. But when stress overcomes you, and people are yelling at you its hard to talk calmly and rationally.

There was no point really discussing it, I finally realized.

 

The girls from the Mazda would come up to me and tried to reason with me by calling me an f’n idiot and a delusional and that I just wanted to get my car fixed for free. It may have looked like I was faking it. The car was a bit far off from the other two cars and there was no obvious damage. They pointed those things out and I yelled back trying to keep up with the flowery language that I know what I felt and that my back was sore.

I then called my sister and gave her their license plate numbers. The Mazda driver tried to cover up her license plate. I then called the police and told them that the drivers that hit me wouldn’t give me their information.

Usually for an accident like this, the police doesn’t need to be called. All of us could have been on our merry way within 10 minutes. In fact I’ve been in little accidents before. I’ve hit people, they have hit me. There are times when I’ve hit people a little and they were so nice they said we can just go. There was no damage and no injuries. And I have done that to people as well. I’ve said no big deal and we all drove away. In fact I’ve always had the type of cars where little dents and scratches are not even that noticeable.

I even considered when I first got out of the car that it wasn’t a big deal and maybe I should just keep going so that I can pick up my kids. But I was involved and they were exchanging information and my back hurt from the hit so I thought I had to exchange infor with them.

But when they began to deny that they even hit me, I had no choice but to call the police. After all I had a right and a duty to report an accident especially if I’m involved. After they yelled at me with many expletives to get into my van and drive off, I certainly couldn’t do that.

So what may have been a 15 minutes of information exchange turned into a 2 hour wait for the police. In that two hours I began to question where I was really hit and how could I have imagined it? No, I knew what I felt. I’m not insane. I have a pretty good memory of events happening to me and i’m certainly not delusional.

The girls were coming over to talk to me now. Again they asked why my car was so far away if I had been hit. And that they don’t give out their info just to anyone. I told them there was no point discussing it now and we can let the police decide.

The police arrived. He was very matter of fact. He asked me if i was injured. I told him my back was sore. He said again. Yes or no? Are you injured? I said no. I didn’t want to have a big deal made and an ambulance come over. And admittedly my back was sore before and the accident may have just aggravated it a little.

Then he showed the Honda driver that he had indeed hit me. His license plate was dented inside and there were clear indentations from his license plate into my bumper. It wasn’t really damange but more like small prints. Later my husband even pointed out that you could see the letters from his license plate. So I was vindicated!!! I was right!!! I am not an idiot or delusional. Well, I wasn’t in that case.

I have to say I felt really good. I felt good that for their big mouths they were detained for 2 hours waiting for the police. That they were proved wrong. And I was proved right. That I wasn’t talked out of my right to report an accident that happened to me.

That evening still shaky, I then went to Mcdonalds. I ordered an iced coffee and he asked me which flavour I wanted. Vanilla, hazelnut or plain. “Does Vanilla  have caffeeine in it?” “Well its COFFEE” he said to me. Like I was an idiot. I ordered the vanilla without another word.