Work work

Work has been crazy. I wrote an email to my manager again today asking for help. I can’t take working nights any more except for once a week on a project that I get payed for. Generally, I’m just exhausted.

I think that there’s no point making any kinds of food resolutions as I have no reason to believe that they will work. Perhaps I need to start rereading the covey books, the weight loss books, the other books and look for the motivation inside all over again.

Also I need to come back to exercising. Giving up exercising because I keep overeating anyway, is not helpful. If i can’t help but eat, I know I can help it and exercise. Once I move to a new place, I’ll start making a schedule for working out again. Every Saturday or Sunday, I’ll take the kids to the gym with me. Its a double whammy. They love it and I get a workout. I think its a good idea. I think i can have more control over my exercise habits than my eating habits. Perhaps the eating habits will follow.

What would Jane Austen say?

There was a long time of my life that I was single. I lived in that perpetual state of uncertainty of ever find the man who would go so far as to date me long enough to wish to propose and one I would date long enough as to accept a marriage proposal. No, I wasn’t happy and I wondered at those who were married. How did they ever get to that state of being? In my world, being so unlucky in love, it was a foreign concept. It was that far off dream. Was I worthy?

And then I met Sean. He fell in love with me and he thought he wanted to marry me. I took that chance and ran with it. I have two great kids now. I

n all that time of that past life never had I thought of myself as divorced. Never had I considered that state of being at all for me. If marriage was almost out of reach, then divorce was just the moon. But the one thing I did feel was that people who got a divorce, got it too easily. They didn’t really try hard enough. And why did people get divorced anyway? \

well, now its me who is getting divorced. Am I devastated? No. I have finally come to a healthy realization taht he really never had the intention of committing to the marriage. Or maybe for some fleeting moments he had the intention but then gave up quickly – like I give up on eating well every day after believing for a few hours that I will commit. So knowing now that happiness with him is not a possibility, I feel good about our separation. And even though he says with his words that I am kicking him out, and that he wishes to stay, I don’t feel a bit of truth in that. I believe that he truly is thankful that its over. His actions confirm it.

So I am moving this Friday. He hasn’t found a place yet. He has a place where he can stay with a friend in Newmarket but its far so he doesn’t want it to be his permanent place. He doesn’t know if he will take any furniture with him either. I find that odd since he keeps telling me how little money he has and anywhere he might go I am sure he will still need furniture. Meanwhile I need to know what to get rid of if he doesn’t take it. I can’t take it all with me to a two bedroom apartment myself.

In 11 days, my sister and I are going to Vegas. I can’t wait!!! So I had asked Sean to stay with the kids while we are away. He in turn asked me if he can stay at my place while I”m away since his place will not be ready yet. I really don’t understand what he needs to make it ready. He can take the bed that he has been sleeping on in the basement for the past year or so. He can take  a trunk. He can even take a table. All that he has confirmed that he will take is the computer so that the can download his podcasts of Adam Corrolla and Jim Rome. I wanted the kids to stay with him so that they can see where he lives and feel closer to him. Not like he is a visitor in their home. I thought it would make things easier for him.  Anyway, I decided not to give him the key to myself while I’m away. Rather, I will send the kids to stay with my Mom.

I haven’t finished watching the movie Jane Austen book club. The characters in dealing with their own set of problems came back to the question: What would Jane Austen do? I don’t know what Jane Austen to would do. I suppose she wouldn’t have put up with such ungentlemanly qualities in a husband: his irreverent tongue, his brash manner, his scandelous disregard for his own hygenic requirements (ok that was silly). She would have distanced herself from him a long time ago and found happiness or unhappiness in her own unique way of dealing with it. Or had a divorce been available to her without the threat of consequential poverty, she definitely would have followed that path.

Needless to say that I did not keep to my menu the other day that I listed here. I don’t know where to find the motivation to lose the weight. Every day I feel I’m heavier and a greater fear comes over me. And yet by 4pm I am embarking upon betrayal of my goals with a cream puff, poutine (as it was today) or just simply bread bread and more bread.

I am finally beginning to believe that food is a little form of rebellion as Dr Phil has stated in his book. Today, as I thought of buying something sweet, I felt that freedom and the triumph that I felt I could. I could do it because I was my own person while my parents weren’t watching. I found many reasons to buy myself treats this weekend and I don’t think any of those reasons included a craving for that particular food. I rarely have true cravings to be completely honest. Most of the time its the idea of eating that food that appeals to me, not an actual physical longing for it. (Am I making sense). I can eat it therefore I will. I wish to cheat today. I wish to be bad. I can have a cream puff. Its the idea of eating a cream puff rather than actual taste for it.

When you gain a lot of weight you tend to use it as an excuse to gain more weight. I’m fat, so i couldn’t possibly wish to ride a bike. What’s the point when I won’t stick with it. You almost begin poking fun at yourself for your lazyness and causing yourself to be more lazy. When you are fat for such a long time as I have been, you lose who you were when you were slim. You become a fat person inside too. I’m fat therefore I’m lazy and hate exercise and constantly like to eat whip cream becomes the joke about you and then it becomes the truth.

For example, today when Mom suggested I ride a bike with her every time i come to Sauble Beach, i first made a joke about it how I simply will never come to Sauble Beach again. And then when my Dad said that how do i feel about myself like that. I said I feel like George Kostanza.

I guess another issue with me is that its either all or nothing. I must follow the program completely, or I give myself the permission to completely give up.

Ok I’ll continue this another day. I’m gong to bed now.

The Weight is up.

Well, I’ve neglected my weight again. Actually, that’s not true. I never neglect my weight. I think about it all the time, and I really must care for it a lot cause I have managed to maintain it in the same state for about 5 years now. I feed it, I talk about it, I debate it, I pout over it and I suffer for it. So I would say the last thing I do is neglect it. Teeeeheee.

Today my sister and I talked about the existence of underlying psychological issues that cause me to eat. I think that the biggest culprit for me is stress. Yes, I’m just not convinced that had I managed stress better, I would not wish to eat as much. I just really want to eat. No, seriously. I just want to eat. Oh fuck.

I ‘ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m so sick of myself.

I had every intention to buy the iphone today. No, i’m not gadget crazy. I am just trying to learn to organize my life. Kind of like in my endless quest to gain control over what I put in my mouth, I’m also trying to get control over all the things I’m supposed to remember day to day to do, people to call, and money not spend.

I guess I did well, because instead of the iphone, my sister and I found a cheaper organizer. A little date book for 20 bucks. That means I saved 230 dollars.

Tomorrow I plan to weigh myself.

I plan to eat:

Breakfast: oatmeal. Cheese String. Green Tea.

On the way to work: coffee.

Lunch: Nutrisystem lunch and a yogurt. And tea.

Snack: cheese string and fruit. And green tea.

Dinner: nutrisystem dinner.

Dessert: nutrisystem dessert.