Our House

A mouse lives in our house. Maybe more. Thats part of the reason I want to leave here. I hate this house. I’ve poured a lot of money just to make it livable and now I’ll be lucky if I get half of that back.

With my Mother’s help, (as I make all my decisions), I’ve decided to put the house on the market and see what happens. After we sell, I think we’ll rent for a little bit. They say that the market will turn soon and I hope that it does. Maybe I can buy something a little cheaper in a few months. Well nothing is as cheap as the house I live in now but I hope to find something a little more pricey but still affordable and much nicer.

Fat after marriage

I’ve decided to face reality about who I am. Here I wanted to be anonymous but that’s just not fun. I’m not really seeing myself, until I see myself in photos and see who I really am. I am a far cry from what I used to be. What a cliche, I was thin and pretty, then I got married. Then I got fat and ugly. I am embarrassed and ashamed but this is what I am. Until I lose the weight, I cannot be what I used to be.

Sure I was never a raging beauty. But I had long blond hair. A very nice figure at one time. And I didn’t have the gap between my front teeth, which appeared while I was pregnant with Arianna. My teeth were whiter. I will try to scan the photos of me before marriage and post them sometime.

More interesting

Ok I have to admit, as I told my sister today, is that I’m getting bored with my own blog. How many times can you really read the same old thing. Stick to weight watchers, cheated, didn’t lose a pound. May be to be more meaningful I should make it a little more personal. Maybe I should put up some photos. Log my weight. Scary.

Today I saw a video from an ex-coworker who videotaped me and my kids at a company Christmas party. There really should be laws about filming people without consent. Well to see yourself on video is a whole new shock to the system. This is how outsiders see me! Wow. Why do mirrors lie? Either they lie, or I just see what I want to see in the mirror. I know I don’t look exactly fabulous when I look in the mirror, but I didn’t think that I looked that unfit to everyone else.

So I suppose that to use this blog as motivation and therapy for being fat, I will have to be honest with myself and post the videos and the pictures. Until I see myself the way that I actually am, I might not face reality. And that is that I really don’t look good. I don’t know how to look good being fat.

I used to be quite nice looking. That’s how I snatched my husband. Then I gained 70lbs. I stopped bleaching my hair so drastically. And what’s worse, is that during pregnancy I got a whole big space between my two front teeth. Not very flattering.

Momentum

I was on a roll for a while and then I lost my momentum. I wasn’t entirely my fault. Well, I mean of course what I put into my mouth is always my fault. But I went without enough sleep for almost 5 days and so ended up eating more and more. The first day I was on track with lack of sleep. The fourth day I lost it all. I didn’t have enough sleep for 5 days and finally I broke. In my job, you just go through some days and weeks where I can’t get enough sleep. Though not as much at stake, but as I explained to my parents when they asked why I didn’t pick up the kids on time, I’m like a fireman. I may come in late or leave early when things are under control. But if there’s a project or a problem, I have to stay till its done. And I have to show that I can do it even though I do have young kids. Otherwise they might say that this is isn’t the right job for me. And being the primary provider I can’t afford that.

So lets try and get back on track.

My only goal for today is to stick to weight watchers points.

Once I conquer this goal I will add on others. I need to lose 10 lb on weight watchers first before adding on more goals.